My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
