i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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