I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Randomize
