i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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