In the future we'll all be gay
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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