I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
