Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize