she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize