the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
