Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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