The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
