im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
