He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
