Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
