she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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