there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
