I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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