hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
