she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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