I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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