So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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