Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
So vagazzling was a success
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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