just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
