apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
