my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
