Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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