i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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