i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
