The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
