first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
