just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
