what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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