wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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