shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
