I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
