I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
