You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
