I think my fart just growled at me.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
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