If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
