I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize