i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
