ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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