The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
