your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Randomize
