tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
