Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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