Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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