you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
