I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
