Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
