every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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