Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
