I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
