I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
