Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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