Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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