I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
this is an emotional support booty call
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
