They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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