Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
don't judge my taste in strippers
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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