im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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