Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
