she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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