I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize